everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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