She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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