nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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