Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
