i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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