I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
