I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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