Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
