someone get that fucking seahorse.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
