I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
