So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
home. puking in laundry basket.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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