god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
