and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
