yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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