I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
