dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
