omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
