the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
