Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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