vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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