Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
