shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
