Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
