So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
