If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
