So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
