Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
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By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
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An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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