come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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