Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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