so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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