Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
