dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
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i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
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Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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