I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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