How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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