There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
