Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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