In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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