And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
