You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
