So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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