I saw his package. It spoke to me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
