i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
