party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
