and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
