I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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