I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
