I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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