He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We are all done wearing pants today
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
