and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
