he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
