Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
