two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
