guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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