I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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