Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
