I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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