She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So vagazzling was a success
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
