96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
