i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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