apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
