I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I think my moral compass just broke
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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